Sunday, May 25, 2008

More Than Half-A-Decade


Six years ago, May 25, I met this guy named Aaron Yap. The date had significance to the both of us. It is the special day of our then favorite duo, M2M. As Marion Raven was celebrating her birthday in 2002, a lot of fans were greeting her on her online guestbook. So then, I thought of sending them (my fellow fans) an email, too. I introduced myself and wanting to befriend with them. I emailed like 20 or 30 fans, but only half replied, and one of them was Aaron.

I don't know, but once I received his very first message, I felt his warmness. Since then, we always exchange emails, until a nice friendship was developed. Year after year, I could say that our friendship keeps stronger and stronger.

Like a typical friendship, however, ours is not perfect, too. There were times that I didn't like his attitude. (sorry) Sometimes, I think, his concern is out of line. It is exaggerated, I think. I don't know if he is just the over-protective type, or what. Believe me, there were even times that I tried to leave him, but I guess, half-a-decade is too hard to let go.

Other than that, I am happy to report that we are going smoothly.

Today, Marion Raven is no longer in my favorite list, (I still love her, though) but thanks to her. I would not be able to meet Aaron without her. Not even at Marit Larsen's site, I bet.



Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that i've found
I know that you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mindIf you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere
I'll always care

I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side in all you do
And I won't ever leave
As long as you believe
You just believe

Saturday, May 24, 2008

When No One's Around

While most of you that belong to the timezone I belong to were sleeping last night, I was on my DVD-movie marathon. Since we only have one DVD player and a TV in our house, I'm having a hard time watching films that are...a bit unusual to be seen when my family's around. I'm not talking about porn films, okay, but, gay films.

I come from a conservative and religious family, so it is so awkward for them to see those kinds of films. I think they are not open to talk about that stuff, especially Mum.

Last night, though, was the best night for me to see those awkward films that I’ve been so curious about. Mum was out-of-town for a convention, Papa was on his duty, (as a district peace officer) and my brother was on his Friday night-out with his friends. (Yeah, I know you’re wondering, why not just watch those unusual films in the middle of the night when everybody is asleep? No. Mum sleeps in our living room, where our entertainment stuff is placed. Weird. But, she and Papa don’t want to sleep in their room. They sleep in the living room together.) I rented four gay DVD’s; Brokeback Mountain, Morcova-The Comfort Gay (a local film), Boys Don’t Cry, and D.E.B.S.

Okay, I’m not gonna act like a movie critic, I’ve never been good at being one. But, I’d say that the films are quite good. At first, I thought all gay films were non-sense. I thought they just do their acts, and that’s it. In the four films that I saw, however, they do their unusual acts, too, but there was a story on it. The four films are of different faces of homosexuality, but talks about love.

I don’t know, but I think homosexuality is not a big deal, especially in Europe. Here in my country, too. Homosexuality is accepted in the society, despite its conservativeness. The only thing that the Catholic Churches is against of is their acts. I, myself, am not really the anti or the homophobic type, but as what our Churches dislike, it disgusts me too to see those partners in same sex doing their thing in public, making out in public, especially in front of old people. *Sigh*
How about you, guys? What do you think about homosexuality? I would gladly appreciate your comments about gays :)

Friday, May 16, 2008

Papa Turned 50

Still be talking about my family. This time about my Papa. It was so coincidence that I wrote about Mum the other night then yesterday was Papa's birthday. This is spontaneous. Yeah, I almost forgot that it was his special day.

Between him and Mum, I was more closer to him, my little brother was more with Mum. Papa taught me a lot of stuff, all 'boys' stuff. I grew up tomboyish. Papa and I had a lot of bonding moments. Every weekend morning, he would bring me to his basketball game with his friends, (nope, he was not an athlete, they just play) and would let me play along. Yup, I was the only girl and the little ones. It was Papa who taught me how to play the sport. I pictured how happy he was when he first saw me doing the proper dribbling. Until I totally learned basketball.

Other cool bonding moment was our bike strolling. We stroll together during our free time with his awesome bike. Of course, he taught me how to drive the vehicle. Papa has a lot of cool hobbies, one that I haven't mentioned is shooting. He used to be in a shooting club. He once brought me to the firing range and it was cool. Unfortunately, I was underage then, so I was not allowed to join the club. But at home, Papa would let me hold his sets of handgun. Only when Mum's away, of course. He taught me how to handle it and its bad side, how to assemble and maintain its cleanliness, but unfortunately not the actual firing.

A lot of cool bonding moments. You might think that I was a Papa's girl. Well, uhmm..yeah, I would say yeah a bit. There was supposed to be a lot of cool moments of me and him together, until he was engaged into different bad stuff.

Papa was not really employed then, yet was earning a lot of money. He used to own stalls in a wet market. His business was stall-renting. He then earning 5 times a typical employees could earn, that is from the stallment business alone. He also has his own fruit stand and sometimes drive a tricycle (a 3-wheeled motorcycle used for public transportation) Nice income, huh?!


Well, money is really evil. Too bad, Papa was not a good money handler. Since he had a lot of money, he abused it. Splurged it. That was not the bad part yet. Nope, he didn't gamble, but he was engaged in some other bad stuff. The not-so good habits; drinking and *ashamed* drug-abusing. With that, he little by little was unable to manage his business properly. Drug was expensive. He has to get the money from his 'renters' in advance. Until he totally lost his stallment income, his fruit stand was bankrupt, too. His huge income lost. Totally no income from the stallment.

He was really a drug-addicted then. To his to gain money for drugs, he had to sell some stuff. From his personal stuff, his bikes and tricycle, and his sets of handgun, up to the family stuff, appliance, our cool TV, the 3-player CD and its speakers, (Btw, we were the first to have that kind of player in our then community) our then old VHS player, even the electronic typewriter (like our CD player, we were the first the have it)

The only income then was Mum's salary. It came to the point that the family couldn't maintain its primary expenses anymore, such as telephone bills, water and electric bills. Back then, we had 3 phone lines, 2 of those got disconnected, since they couldn't pay its dues. We even experience electricity disconnected once.

Oops, there is still this 'much' worst part. Since Papa was bankrupt, he owed money from I do not know. He couldn't pay it at the right time, so its interest rose. Until it tripled the original figure. For him to pay back what he owes, he had to sell our..guess what, our 201 square-metered-house, it includes the stalls. I'm not gonna disclose its cost, but its 60-70% went to the money that was owed. Then we moved to a half-a-smaller house than our first one.

As her was engaged to those bad stuff, my feelings was little by little lost. Until it was totally gone. I lost my respect to him. I was not showing any courtesy to him anymore. I stopped calling her 'Papa', but instead, 'hey', and always in a shout manner. I hated him. I wanted him to split up with Mum and find another women. I thought then that broken family is cool, than with Papa around always drunk and high in drugs, always messing things up.

Before we moved to our smaller new house, he quited using bad drugs. I thought that was it. I thought we were going to start again, thought he was then gonna be changing. Like, "a new house, a new life". But his drinking habit continues, and it even gotten worst!

Papa was drunk everyday. But, despite his drunkenness, he still was able to fetch Mum from work to our house with his then 'new bike'. I wouldn't see any changes from him until he suffered a bike accident. He was driving drunk. (I think it was his motto; "Drink and drive". The accident was worst. He lost his memory for a while. He was in a hospital for few months. When he gets back home, I was still mad at him. Then he little by little feels better. When he totally got recovered, it was the start, he quited drinking alcohol. Our then house was far away from my school, so after few years, we moved to a nearer one. If our second house was smaller than our first, this time is much smaller. But that's not the thing. The closeness that was lost between and Papa has not gained back yet when he went back to his habit. Months ago after we moved in, he was confined at the hospital due to over alcohol in his system. It affects his liver. Thank God he survived. His doctors advised him to avoid alcohol, or else it he would lose his life. For the second time, he quited drinking. But I guess his alcoholism keeps coming back..


Few years ago, Mum's province was struck by a super typhoon, so she went there to check up on her relatives that were affected. Mum was away from several days. What she didn't know while she was elsewhere was Papa went back to being alcoholism. Just few months after that, he was again rushed to the hospital. Some hospitals were not accepting him anymore, because his case was very sensitive, until they found one, the one that admitted him the last time. His doctors then declared that he has no chances of surviving. Like, his liver was 'total wrecked'. I was so mad then. Mad at him, of course. It was all his fault. Everything! Mum wanted me to see Papa at the hospital. Despite my hatredness, I came to see him. "That might be the last time I could him see breathing", I thought. "If he dies, too bad for him. He would left with anger in my heart". Everybody was there, my family, some of Mum's relatives and friends, and of course, Papa's non-sense drinking buddies. There was even a little prayer given by a priest, right in his room. No tears were shed from my eyes, since there was a grudge in me.

When my brother and I came home, I started doing my eulogy, as my childhood memories with Papa was flashing back. Nope, I still didn't cry while writing my eulogy.

Afternoon the next day, I was scheduled to drop by the hospital. My plan was to get money from Mum before I go to my class. It was so heart-pounding when I entered Papa's room when he and his bed were not there. Mum was not there, as well. I was so nervous. I thought something that I was expecting happened. While I was on my way to the nurse's station, Mum's friend approached to me and told me that Papa was recovering. And, I was like, "What?!" She said that Papa gained back his consciousness and was observing by his doctors. Mum's friend convinced me to stop and wait for them. Few hours ago, Papa was back and aware. I was so surprised. It was like yesterday when he was like vegetables, so unconscious and now..!? I was sadly surprised and happily surprised. I don't know. It's not that I wanted him to die, but there was not assurance that he would totally stop drinking. He quits and get back. So, I thought it was better for him to die, than remain alive, and continue his bad habit. That only brings burden to the family. But then, his doctors said it was a miracle. So we must appreciate his life-for-the-second-time.

It's been more than a year now since that incident happened. Nope, he's not drinking anymore, thank God. Hope he can hold to his promise never to drink again. Yup, we made a deal. If he gets back to that habit, I will be the one to poison him! Yeah, seriously, it's a deal.

So far, I see big changes from him. He is more religious now and can contribute to the family. Who would have thought that he would reach this age, 5o. He was always rushed to the hospital and would survive. People say maybe he has the lives that cats has. I'm praying that he will totally stay away from alcohol. Maybe the reason why the Big Guy has not taken his life yet, because he still has more missions. Fifty years is not that old. He lost a lot of materials things, but I hope we can go back to the lives we were the very first time I saw him. The closeness that was lost between me and his has not gained back yet, but I, somehow, am showing courtesy now, hehe.

Now, as he turns 50 yesterday, we just had a little celebration, just a simple dinner. Mum bought some food from a Chinese restaurant. Simple, yet cool.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Post-Mum's Day Special


Blog has been an outlet to some of us. Sometimes, it is where we find good place to express what we feel about something; to express hatred of something, admiration and anything, that would make us feel comfortable.

I've been writing about different stuff on my Blog; Julia Campbell, my school, anything, but not about my family. So, I thought why not talk about my lovely Mum this time, since mum's day has just passed.

Thelma, her real name, is now having her 55Th year living on the planet. 56Th on October. Not to old, huh? I'm 23 now, and if you sum up, she had me when she was 32. Old enough for some. For me, too, I think that's too old. Old enough to raise a child perfectly. With perfect discipline, nice guidance, unconditional love, and endless support.

(This is not against her, I'm just expressing my feelings)

As Thelma's eldest, I couldn't say she raised me up well. It's not that I'm not satisfied with how she nurtured me and my brother, but I would say I needed more. How she brought me up is what I am right now. I grew up with her around. Despite working hard and going home in the evening, earlier the next day, she would still prepare breakfast for me and my brother, she packs our lunch for school, takes us bath, and clothes us our school uniforms. She never missed a day doing that.

As a kid, I thought I had a perfect life. Good sets of childhood friends, branded clothes and shoes, nice toys and stuff, Nintendo, a 3-player CD with awesome speakers, enrolled in a private elementary school with good daily allowance, plus a tutor after school. Nice food everyday, plus on weekends, my family would go out and dine somewhere. But when I was little by little growing up, I noticed that I lack something. Something a child must obtain; Mum's moral support.

As a kid, I noticed that it was not me, the favourite in the family. The focus was not in me, it was in my little brother. But that was not a big deal to me, since I had those material things that would make me happy, Nintendo and other nice stuff. Though, somehow, I had that little feeling of jealousy. Okay, we're not going to the jealous thing.

I've seen from my friends how moral support from family made them as better person now. Having good support from parents would get them closer. Since your parents trust you, you cold easily tell them what you're going through and anything. But not in my family. I don't know, but I guess it has something to do with how I was raised up. I belong to the family that is not open to each of its member. Where saying, "I love you" is an awkward thing. We don't even hug when we see how sad one is. I once did that when I was a little kid. I hugged Mum and put my chin on her shoulder, (I guess it was on her birthday) but she asked me to stop it. "Stop it!", she said. It was like she was irritated or disgusted of me. That was not the last time I did that, though. One day, I wanted her to buy something. (A pair of rubber shoes that Grant Hill was wearing. Yeah, I used to play basketball back then.) I pleaded to her in a childish manner with a huge hug, but again, she asked me to stop what I was doing. By then, I realized that 'hug' is not in her dictionary. Even saying, "please", or "sorry" is completely not her type. Since then, I refrained from doing so. Even though, I'm the kind of person who loves to hug. I just hid my emotion all the way.

Each time Mum's Day passes, I feel envious of those children who present something to their mums. Treating them special on this special day. Greeting them, and telling them how important they are to them, and saying "I love you", of course. I wish to do the same, but as I've said, it is awkward to my family.

On Mum's Day this year, my family went to church to attend a mass. In the middle of the ceremony, all mums were requested to go in front and were presented a good song by the Priest, himself. The song was written by the said Priest and it was especially made for mums. The song was about how thankful a child is to her mum, how sorry he is for all the wrong deeds, pains, disappointments and anything. The song was heart-warming. It was so touching. I saw myself in the song. I wanted to tell Mum what was in the lyrics, but I couldn't. What can I do, that is how she raised me, to hide emotion.

One more thing I noticed as I was growing up is that she doesn't have the faith in me. (Oops, this is not self-pity, okay.) She doesn't think I can do some things. Like when I'm playing my guitar. Whenever she hears me playing, she would just stop me by saying, "Stop that. You can't even play a good note". I know, I don't play the guitar that well, but I can play some songs. Also, when I watch TV. She just hates it whenever she sees me watching foreign series, or talk shows or movies. She would say, "turn that off" or "tune that to another channel, cause I don't think you understand its story". Something like that. She doesn't have the faith in, she doesn't believe in me. I think she's against me. That is why I think I lack the confidence that other has. How would you have the believe in yourself, if your mum, herself doesn't.

Now, I'm, a bit relief, for I have expressed my feelings.Still, after all those, as every child claims, "my Mum is the best mum!" As I've said, this article has nothing against Thelma. I love her, and I'm so thankful to have her. I don't have any achievements so far, but I wish to make her proud someday. And that 'someday' is hopefully soon.

How about you, guys? I'd appreciate to hear anything about your mummies :)


I have a smile stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road
we meet at the lights I stare for a while the world around disappears

just you and me on this island of hope
a breath between us could be miles
let me surround you my sea to your shore

let me be the calm you seek
oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much
I can't say and you just walk away
and I forgot to tell you I love you
and the night's too long
and cold here without you I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

Friday, May 9, 2008

oNe yEaR

My Blog has been running for a year now. I can't believe it, but at first, I didn't have the courage to start my own Blog, but now, it's been standing for a year. Yeah, most of my entries, if not all, were senseless, not to mention about how I wrote them. I write lamely. But then, I could say I loved them.

Few months ago, the thought of deleting this Blog came into my mind. Since I couldn't update it anymore due to laziness, sometimes due to busy-ness, why not delete it. But then, part of my was like, "you can read your lame entries in future and laugh about it". I thought reading about the past is quite enjoyable, as I do with my old personal diaries. So, I decided to, yeah, just keep it. I got lost, but now, I'll try and get back in track again. I'll try to write lively, too. Goodluck to me :)

So, what's up with me? As you guys are aware, yeah, I'm done with schooling. Everybody would think that I already have a cool job now, since it's been two months when I finished college. And, with the fact that I hadn't updated my Blog, you guys might think that I was busy working. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I still don't have any one yet. Just weeks after my graduation, I tried my luck, but I got rejected. It didn't give me much disappointment, since the position I applied for was 'not' in-line with what my college taught me. After being rejected, I thought of relaxing. Why not rest up a bit since I was in six rough school years. This 'bit of rest' wont take that long, though. Maybe in few weeks, I'll get back in trying my luck for a cool job position. Whether it's in my field or not. At the moment, I'm just keeping myself updated about the job openings. I wish they could wait until I am ready for having one, hehe :)

I think that would be all for now.

Hope my dearest linked friends are all doing fine, especially Desiree, who just turned 24 on Monday. Hope you had a great day on your special day, sis :)

And, oh, before I forgot, I would like to take this opportunity to thank my dearest linked friends who checked my entries for a year, inspite its lamenessly :)

And, to the root of all these, the late Julia Campbell, who just has her first death anniversarry last month :( Anyway, about the case, final ruling has not red yet, until June 30th this year. I remember, several months after the suspect claimed the slay, he filed a not-guilty plea, and that just hated me. But then, according to the news, the prosecution has the bigger has of obtaining justice, which is a good news :) Anyway, hope she's happy wherever she is right now. I wish to meet her lovely mum on the final ruling :(

Takecare you guys.
I'll try and getback in track again :)
Big hugs :)


P.S.: Below is my official college yearbook photo.

I don't look good, but as they say, it's not the look that counts, it's the title :)